Weakness Blog???
My ex supervisor once told me life balance isn't about 1 week or 1 month dividing equivalent time for your family friends or bla. He mentioned that its about which one you think its lacking and you make time for it.
Am I always this bad at expressing? I asked myself this, and my answer was it all began when I have 1 year that nearly everyday I barely talk because there is no one to talk with and I felt peace. So there goes the Adler theory saying that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
These months are like the 10 years ago for some in my family. I felt like its worse because i know more and everyone involved.
My sister is the best. I could not have thought what I will be going through without her. She is like the angel in this family. Sometimes I do think that she does not belong to our family. She does not have much inherited traits (good or bad). She has her own way of thinking and communicating with family. And she seldom get affected. She has this intuitive which she can know a person's inner, lets term, good or bad in general, by interacting with them for a few times, sometimes just one time. And its proven afterwards.
It is never the same anymore. and I regretted it. I felt sorry and I could not express it because I am afraid that relationship gone awkward. Awkward is the last thing I want. So I try to make up in these two years. But I am still feeling its different. Here I am, writing blog, confessing.
I was the toxic person. I am not confident with the friendship. My memory is very good in term of human related stuff. The jealousy in me taken control and I allowed it. I still do, and I read some articles and they said its common this take place. I am not sure how to deal with it other than distancing myself. Well, there are 2 meanings here. And then sometimes I felt other way round. Not good. Or is that me me. I dont know. Its just that it still matters but I dont put trust unless there is promise. And I know promise can be broken, thats why friendship still matters to me. a lot.
My boss expecting me to think on his level. He kept asking the little-experience me or finding confirmation in me. There are good and bad but for me now its fucking bad. Its so difficult to balance. I have to take care of my mental well-being as well as his. I am so confused and mix up. I end up leaving him to answer himself. Sometimes I do think that I am useless.
I was so naive
I once thought human does not change much.
I am a private type of person. I became more secluded after spending time with my sister, and thinking that its good.
Then why i am here writing all these? I need a place to deal with overwhelming emotions and thoughts. No one but myself have to deal with my emotions and thoughts. They have been with me for several months. I do ask myself, what will I think after this. I will be trauma in these few months on what I wrote. Exposing.
I am a confused person. Self conflict. Cynical. Not hypocrite. Sensitive. Passive. Negative.
Most of the time, I do not know what is the border. To tell or not, to do or not. To react or not.
I am harsh on myself on things I should not be harsh on and I am lazy on things which I should work on.
I am childish thinking all these. See, this is maybe one of the example which I should not be harsh to myself.
I have a lot of self-doubt, self-questioning, second guessing blablabla. This is a weakness blog. hahahaha. There are more.
Here I am, exposing myself. and writing another blog in my language. Well, I should work on them. Those weakness. I should list them down. Privately. Lol.
Am I always this bad at expressing? I asked myself this, and my answer was it all began when I have 1 year that nearly everyday I barely talk because there is no one to talk with and I felt peace. So there goes the Adler theory saying that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
These months are like the 10 years ago for some in my family. I felt like its worse because i know more and everyone involved.
My sister is the best. I could not have thought what I will be going through without her. She is like the angel in this family. Sometimes I do think that she does not belong to our family. She does not have much inherited traits (good or bad). She has her own way of thinking and communicating with family. And she seldom get affected. She has this intuitive which she can know a person's inner, lets term, good or bad in general, by interacting with them for a few times, sometimes just one time. And its proven afterwards.
It is never the same anymore. and I regretted it. I felt sorry and I could not express it because I am afraid that relationship gone awkward. Awkward is the last thing I want. So I try to make up in these two years. But I am still feeling its different. Here I am, writing blog, confessing.
I was the toxic person. I am not confident with the friendship. My memory is very good in term of human related stuff. The jealousy in me taken control and I allowed it. I still do, and I read some articles and they said its common this take place. I am not sure how to deal with it other than distancing myself. Well, there are 2 meanings here. And then sometimes I felt other way round. Not good. Or is that me me. I dont know. Its just that it still matters but I dont put trust unless there is promise. And I know promise can be broken, thats why friendship still matters to me. a lot.
My boss expecting me to think on his level. He kept asking the little-experience me or finding confirmation in me. There are good and bad but for me now its fucking bad. Its so difficult to balance. I have to take care of my mental well-being as well as his. I am so confused and mix up. I end up leaving him to answer himself. Sometimes I do think that I am useless.
I was so naive
I once thought human does not change much.
I am a private type of person. I became more secluded after spending time with my sister, and thinking that its good.
Then why i am here writing all these? I need a place to deal with overwhelming emotions and thoughts. No one but myself have to deal with my emotions and thoughts. They have been with me for several months. I do ask myself, what will I think after this. I will be trauma in these few months on what I wrote. Exposing.
I am a confused person. Self conflict. Cynical. Not hypocrite. Sensitive. Passive. Negative.
Most of the time, I do not know what is the border. To tell or not, to do or not. To react or not.
I am harsh on myself on things I should not be harsh on and I am lazy on things which I should work on.
I am childish thinking all these. See, this is maybe one of the example which I should not be harsh to myself.
I have a lot of self-doubt, self-questioning, second guessing blablabla. This is a weakness blog. hahahaha. There are more.
Here I am, exposing myself. and writing another blog in my language. Well, I should work on them. Those weakness. I should list them down. Privately. Lol.
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